


There Is a Desert in Me

by TicTok



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Biphobia, Divorce, F/M, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-16
Updated: 2014-02-16
Packaged: 2018-01-12 15:12:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1189809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TicTok/pseuds/TicTok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny has had bad luck with his relationships.  He admits that it is at least partly his fault.  Somewhere along the way he loses himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There Is a Desert in Me

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many fics that are only half finished... I'm probably going to stop writing here soon but I have 5 or 6 that I had promised to people so I'm starting with the most overdue and working to the most recent, I'm going to try to finish as many as I can before I quit.
> 
> I started this one right around when the buyout was announced....
> 
> comments and whatnot are very much appreciated. make me feel like its worth it to keep plugging away at these fics that need finished!

He doesn't remember where he went wrong with Claude. With his wife, knows exactly where it went wrong. The day he admitted to being attracted to men too, not only women. In hindsight, he probably picked a bad time to tell her. She had been distant and hard to connect with for months. He guesses that she was unhappy in general, and just took it as a reason to separate. Maybe he didn't spend enough time with her. He knew she hated it when he was away on road trips. She never wanted to be a single mother, he never wanted her to have to be.

"I think....I think I could be bisexual." 

The look on her face will stick with him forever. She wasn't even angry. Just so hurt. She kept asking him why he did this to her, over and over. 

"Is there a guy, someone else?" She hissed, slamming her palms against the table top. Danny jumped, startled, and shook his head. "No! No, there's no guy.... I just need to someone to talk to about this, I'm losing my mind over it."

Sylvie shook her head, anger seeping out of her every pore as the tears started. 

"You're disgusting. I hate you!" She hissed venomously.

Danny felt his chest seize and his stomach churned. Suddenly it wasn't easy to breathe anymore, it felt like he couldn't force air into his lungs...

The kids were in the playroom, and came toddling out in a line when they heard her crying. 

"Whats wrong mama?" He can still hear Carson's little voice asking.

She never forgave him. He didn't want to separate from her. He still loved her. He just couldn't live with it being a secret anymore. He wanted her to help him sort this feeling out in himself, he didn't think he would have to lose her in the process.

That night they put the kids to bed as always, but he could see the tears ready to fall from her eyes. As soon as Cam was tucked into his toddler bed and his eyelids drooping, she had disappeared back to their bedroom. Danny placed a tender kiss on Cam's forehead and got up from the edge of the bed.

As he slipped down the hall to their room, he could already hear her sobbing. He had to lean against the doorframe for a moment, watching her back and she stood in the middle of the room. He shoulders were shaking. She was trying so hard to stifle her gasping breaths.

"Sylvie..." He breathed out quietly, his eyes fixed on her. She whipped around, fury drawn across her face. He jumped when she yelled.

"NO. Go sleep in the guest room!" Her words stabbed right into his chest. They always slept in the same bed, even during their worst fights.

"Wh- Sylvie!" He gasped, his voice faltering and hitched.

"Go Daniel."

He did.

He slunk down the hall, pausing at the door to Caelan's room. Caelan was sitting up on in the middle of the bed, his hands covering his mouth and his eyes wide.

"Go to sleep, babe." Danny said softly, hoping Caelan didn't recognize the catch in his breath.

Caelan's eyes were so wide and afraid, Danny couldn't take it.

They stayed together for a few months after that. Sylvie even seemed to forgive him for a few weeks. Then she came home with divorce papers and the information for a few different lawyers, telling him to pick one.

It seemed that she hadn't forgiven him, only made peace with her decision to leave him. 

~~~TicTok~~~~

On his own, it was easy for loneliness to set in. The boys spent a lot of time with Sylvie, or at school, practice, and various activities. Danny spent a lot of time alone when he wasn't at the rink. 

So when Claude started showing up at practice looking more and more sleep deprived, Danny got nosey. It had been months since the divorce was finalized, and almost a year since Sylvie moved out. 

"What's wrong with you? Look a little slow out there this morning. Got a girl keeping you up all night?" Danny chirped good naturedly, adding a wink to lighten his words even more. 

As if to prove the point Claude yawned while Danny spoke and blinked a few times as he seemed to process Danny's words. 

"Oh." He started, "No, I'm, uh... Sleeping on a couch because I don't have a place down here yet. Hartzy is great, really, but he doesn't sleep! It's crazy!" Claude said with a glance at Hartnell across the room. Danny laughed and continued unlacing his skates. 

For the next couple days Claude trailed after Danny after each practice and after the game on Friday night, he hesitated before following Hartzy. 

He yawned and glanced at Danny as Hartnell grabbed his shoulders to steer him towards their car to go celebrate the win. Danny furrowed his eyebrows for a moment.

Then it hit him. 

"Hey Hartzy, mind if I steal your boy here, I need someone to come hang out with me in my big empty house and G here needs a real bedroom of his own." Danny said with a grin and a nod.

Hartnell pouted and looked at Claude. "You wouldn't rather hang out with a boring old man than me would you?"

Claude shrugged nervously, looking at Danny through his lashes with his head bowed. 

"I don't know. A real bed does sound appealing." Claude muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Hartzy growled and shoved him away, but clapped him on the back with a grin.

"FINE. Be that way!" He hollered as he turned and jogged out of the locker room.

"Did you mean that? Can I stay with you?" Claude asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, of course!" Danny grinned, pulling a sweatshirt down over his head. "I have a spare room...or two."

Danny helped Claude move into Sylvie's old craft room. Danny had thought about offering Claude the master bedroom, but decided it was weird. After Sylvie moved out it left a lot of empty spaces in the house. Danny hadn't truly realized how much of "their" stuff was really her stuff.

Her craft room had been empty for weeks until he got tried of it and bought a double bed and a dresser and stuck it in there to take up space.

Claude was delighted.

He flopped face first onto the bed and moaned into the pillows. After a moment he flipped over and waved a hand at Danny. 

"You're the best. I'm gonna take a nap." He said happily.

"A pre-bed nap?" Danny replied with a shallow laugh.

~~~TicTok~~~~

It didn't take long for them to settle into a routine. Claude was used to living with a family and so was Danny. Everything fell into place quickly.

It eased Danny's mind to have someone else occupying the too-empty house along with him. On days when he didn't have the boys, he had Claude. He was mostly unobtrusive, hanging out in his room or down the den playing video games. But he was good company, just by being there.

The boys adored him, and his cooking. Danny didn't know where Claude learned to cook, but it certainly made life easier. The only things Danny could make were cereal, eggs, and crockpot meals where you just threw everything in and turned it on.

Claude was excellent about handling the boys. He was fun for them, but didn't let them get away with breaking the rules. He also had an unbelievable ability to keep them from fighting that Danny envied.

Everything was smooth sailing it seemed.

Until the third time Sylvie came to drop the boys off, Danny usually went and picked them up. Claude was shooting hoops in the driveway when Sylvie pulled up. Danny rushed out to intercept her and direct the boys into the house to change to go to dinner.

Sylvie was pleasant enough with Claude until Danny got there. He waved his boys into the house and smiled nervously at Sylvie. Claude jogged away to give them privacy to talk and continued shooting hoops.

"So how long have you been fucking him." Sylvie said coldly, and loudly. Danny gasped and stepped closer to her.

"Sylvie, please. I'm not...I wouldn't... it's not like that!" he sputtered. He had tried his best to keep the team as uninformed as possible about his divorce. They were separating and that was that. He didn't want the team to know the real story.

But Claude had heard her. He was sure of it.

"Isn't he a little young for you? He better be legal." Sylvie rolled her eyes and turned away, not waiting for an answer. The car door slammed shut and Danny couldn't help but feel as though she had slammed the door on his heart too. 

After she sped down the street, Danny bit his lip and wrung his fingers together nervously. He turned towards Claude slowly and avoided eye contact for a moment before looking up and meeting Claude's. 

Claude had the ball propped against his hip and the inside of his wrist rested on it. He was squinting in the sun and looked confused, but didn't look particularly angry.

Danny swallowed and looked away, stuffing his hands into his jean pockets and heading for the house.

Claude blinked a few times and went back to shooting the ball at the basketball hoop.

~~~TicTok~~~~

Danny made it a full week before Claude cornered him in the den with a bowl of popcorn and a DVD disk in his hand.

Danny tried to get away. He even tried to say that he was having stomach problems and wanted to go to bed but Claude wouldn't buy it.

He shoved Danny down onto the couch and placed the bowl in his lap. 

"Stop it, Danny. Stop avoiding me. Stop acting like I'm going to be pissed off, just. Take a deep breath, and relax. I'm not upset with you. This doesn't have to be weird." Claude had said, but he wasn't looking at Danny. He was staring at the floor as he stood in front of Danny.

The movie popped up on the screen and Claude sighed, flopping down on the couch a comfortable distance away.

Things went back to normal for the most part. Danny stopped going out of his way to avoid Claude. Claude didn't push him away or avoid him.

If anything, Claude becomes almost affectionate with Danny after that day. He flops on the couch a little too close, he touches Danny's waist as he brushes by in the kitchen. Danny doesn't want to admit that he likes the extra attention.

~~~TicTok~~~~

Danny doesn't make the first move. He had tried his best not to let Claude in on his secret affection for him. But he isn't good at hiding things, he has known that his whole life. He's not sure what gave him away, it could have been anything. Maybe a too long lingered look, or easy acceptance of Claude invading his personal space...

The first time Claude cornered him by the sink in the kitchen and pressed tentative lips to his, Danny felt his whole world stop. His mind went blank, his heart leapt, and his stomach flipped alarmingly.

Claude pulled away, smiling gently. He had a soft look in his eyes and exuded a calm sense. Danny couldn't help but smile back, causing Claude to break into a full grin.

Danny swears he could feel something inside him right itself and settle back into place.

 

~~~TicTok~~~~

They went on for months without a hitch. It was the easiest progression Danny had ever experienced. Everything happened so easily with Claude. 

Claude was patient, and everything he did he asked if it was okay with Danny. Every small step forward in their relationship was filled with a sense of warm caution that Danny appreciated. 

It was so different from his rushed join with Sylvie after she told him she was pregnant.

Eventually, after weeks of discussion, they told the boys. Danny feared his kids would reject them both. Instead, they calmly accepted the announcement. They also made them promise not to be "gross" like their friend from school's mom and dad. Cameron didn't fully understand, and they took him aside privately later on. 

It was excellent, for a year or so. Things changed when Claude went home to his parents for the first time. When he came back, everything felt different.

His casual touches as he brushed past Danny stopped. He had trouble meeting Danny's eyes. His started having rushed, quiet conversations on the phone in the basement. He stopped sleeping draped across Danny possessively. He took to lingering with the guys at the bar as long as possible, waiting to come home until long after Danny was asleep.

The entire situation perplexed Danny. He couldn't figure out what he had done to make Claude pull away. They had texted and called nearly everyday that they were apart when Claude went home. He had thought that things were going fine.

Danny would stay up for hours waiting for Claude to come to bed, waiting for the sick feeling in his stomach to go away. The slowly creeping panic and sense of losing his grip on something that had felt so permanent was maddening. 

It wasn't long before Claude announced that he was moving out. Danny felt blindsided. Now, when he thinks back on it, he guesses he should have seen it coming. It had just always felt to Danny like it was something that could be fixed. Claude took the option of working on their relationship away with a single sentence.

"I bought a house, Brayden is going to be my new roommate." And then he left. Danny had let him pack up, despondently helping him find his possessions strewn throughout the house whenever he asked. 

It was just so different from his divorce. With his divorce, he knew what was happening. He knew he had ruined everything. With Claude, he didn't know where he went wrong.

~~~TicTok~~~~

With Sylvie, the boys were their constant link. Even after they separated, and eventually divorced, they boys were still Theirs. They weren't his, not hers, Theirs. 

When Danny looked at them, he saw her. However, when he looked at them, he saw her best qualities reflected back. The things he fell in love with. 

After Claude left, the team was still a shared thing. It was their team. Not Danny's, not Claude's. 

Danny still saw him almost everyday. For years. It never got easier.

People commented on the bags under his eyes. The tense set of his shoulders. His trainers started sending him to massage therapy and yoga since he kept pulling his tightly wound muscles.

Every day was a painful reminder. He watched as Claude grew and shifted and developed. He watched as he became captain, excelled and then cracked under pressure. He saw him get lost and fail. 

He saw someone he loved who needed help and guidance. He was never someone who was able to resist someone he loved who needed help.

So Claude came home. Every evening, he would show up around dinnertime, play with the boys, go through the nighttime routine, and fall into Danny's bed. 

And it was just as easy as the first time. This time though, Danny tried not to let himself feel so settled. The thought of Claude leaving again kept him from allowing himself that. Danny didn't let himself lose himself completely as he relearned this Claude. Older, calmer, different in so many ways but still exactly the same.

~~

Claude is easy to love. Easy to forgive. Danny finds himself giving in and relaxing into a relationship he doesn't trust. For the first few months, he expects Claude to leave again at any moment. The thought of Claude leaving a second time makes Danny's chest feel hollow and his head ache. He asks Claude if they are okay, if Claude is happy with them the way they are. Every time, Claude says he needs more time to decide that.

So he waits, tries to be patient. And nothing happens. 

Just when he starts to take a breath here and there, and let himself believe that maybe, just maybe, Claude is staying for good this time, Claude doesn't come home. He had gone to the bar with the rest of the guys after the game. Danny had begged off, going home to make the boys finish homework and see them to bed at a decent time.

Danny tried to wait up for Claude. He only gave in and went up to bed when Zora stood at the foot of the stairs and whined pitifully.

"Fine, fine." he had murmured. He followed her upstairs and helped her up onto the bed. 

Danny sent a text to Claude when he woke up at 4 and he hadn't come home. He even wandered down to the garage just in case he had come home and passed out somewhere before he made it to bed.

No Claude.

By 9 am optional skate, Danny was just about loosing his mind worrying, while at the same time reminding himself that this time around, nothing was official. Claude wasn't his. 

When Danny got home, he flopped his bag down and called Claude for the millionth time. Claude didn't answer. Danny let his head thunk against the kitchen counter.

When he heard the front door slam he startled, snapping his head up.

Claude shuffled into the kitchen and slouched against to doorframe. He had a beanie on and sunglasses, and his posture was one that Danny recognized as "hungover and barely alive." 

Danny darted over to him, relief washing over him and his heart racing. Claude was stiff in his arms though, instead of the way he normally would melt and mold against him. 

Danny shifted back and pulled the sunglasses away from him. Danny knew him well enough, inside and out, to recognize guilt. He felt his heart sink.

Claude pulled away and took his sunglasses back, sliding them back up the bridge of his nose and shuffling towards the stairs.

Later, Danny went after him, but not after a good long mope in the bathtub. 

He found Claude lying in the bed in the guest room, with his head buried under pillows and only the backs of his shoulders showing above the blankets.

He waited for a while, standing in the doorway and waiting. Finally giving up and turning to walk away.

"Wait!" Claude's voice surprised him. When he turned back around, Claude was sitting up on his elbows and looking at him with deer in the headlights eyes.

Danny hesitated, but slowly made his way over to sink down on the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry." Claude whispered, sounding honest. He reached out and brushed Danny's hip gently, before retracting his hand and running it through his hair nervously.

"Why?" Danny whispered in response, "I need to hear you say it..." He dropped his gaze down to his lap.

"Ah- I slept with someone else last night. And its not the first time." Claude murmured. He sounded like he had been practicing the words.

Danny nodded and got up. He paused at the door, drumming his fingers on the doorframe and opening his mouth to say something before shaking his head and walking towards his bedroom.

He tries to tell himself he has no right to be upset, that they had made no formal agreement for exclusiveness this time. It doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make him feel less empty.

 

A few months later, he has a short relationship with a girl in the army. A doctor. She's wonderful. Soft, kind, and considerate while at the same time being out spoken, self assured, and goal oriented in a way Danny respects. 

After a few months, she tells him that he isn't what she is really looking for. Danny is grateful for the clean and fast separation. 

~~~TikTok~~~~

Danny's final season with the Flyers was unlike any other. He and Claude barely spoke off the ice, and typically when they it was only to apologize for bumping into each other in the locker room.

The buyout is something he sees coming a mile away. He has over stayed his welcome in Philly. 

Montreal is a surprise. He secretly hoped Buffalo would want him back.

All in all, Montreal isn't so bad. 

It's cold, and shadowed. But it's a team that welcomes him with open arms. The guys are great. His little house is nice. He makes friends on the team.

They include him in their bar trips. He goes out with them, since he has nothing else to do besides sit in his empty little house and mope.

In a lot of ways, its like when he joined the Flyers. They don't know about his ugly divorce, or about his strained off ice relationship with Claude. 

They don't let him sit at home and mope, seeming to sense that he needs them to make him feel like they want to include him. 

It doesn't feel like home, but Danny doesn't know where home is anymore.

The adjustment to the new team isn't perfect, but it is working, Danny supposes. It's the best he's got for now, and they guys are good at not letting him get away with feeling sorry for himself. They also seem to instinctively know when to leave him be when he needs to be alone. His sister tells him to take his time there to work on himself, to figure out who he is. He thinks he knows who he is, but everything he knows revolves around Claude, the boys, or Sylvie. He doesn't know how to handle himself on his own, so he guesses that is what she means.

It's not ideal, no. But Danny thinks that maybe here is good. Maybe after some time this new team, new family, will start to fill the empty places in his heart.


End file.
